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Frank Cotolo
September 18, 2009 |
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The high dose of Extra Strength Tylenol sharply increases liver damage,
according to a new study. But, researchers say that because Tylenol kills pain
so well, a liver can be nonfunctional for months before a person feels any pain.
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Although overdoses of Tylenol have been found to harm the liver, no one ever
complained about liver problems, since they were taking Tylenol to kill pain
at the time. The study is the first to spot hints of trouble by doctors
suffering from jaundice.
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"This study shows that some people should just bite the bullet and hurt," said
Dr. Desmond 'Ducky' Foramen of the University of Southwestern Physical
Discolorization, who was not involved in the research.
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Tylenol is the leading brand of pain relievers and cold remedies, though
Bufferin and Anacin claim they sell more units. "No one masks pain like
Bufferin," said a Bufferin spokesperson, smiling even though his ear was
dangling from a recent accident with a house fan.
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An estimated 100 million Americans take over-the-counter painkillers safely
each year. One of them said, "I don't care if my liver shrinks, I don't want to
hurt no more, no more, I don't want to hurt no more."
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Still, the over-the-counter drug is allegedly the leading cause of acute liver
failure in the U.S., and some researchers say they suspect it may have something
to do with not having the focus to read a Phillip Roth novel. Other researchers
called for increased regulation to prevent overdoses in almost every state. "We
are not calling for regulation in Montana or Alabama because these states have
no actual purpose," said a researcher who refused to admit his name is
G. Smith Contrary.
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In England, concerns about suicide attempts led to restrictions on how many
pain pills could be sold at a time. One British regulator said, "These
commercial painkillers have a tendency to be overtaken, sometimes chewed and
often dissolved in brew, specifically room-temperature beer. When taken with
strong English tea, the person has been known to experience a lack of feeling
in the left nostril, which often is a sign of depression and a seething desire
to poke oneself in the eye with a spoon."
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Dr. Paul "Bennies" Walker of the University of Climbing High and Falling Far,
lead author of the study, said, "This Tylenol thing is nothing new. The liver
is an important organ. That, also, is nothing new. The liver is a strong organ.
That is nothing new. Tylenol is not strong enough to destroy a liver. That is
debatable. Debates do not prove anything. That is nothing new. Debates about
drugs and studies about drugs cost money because none of us researchers like to
work for nothing. That is nothing new. So, we are left with a few questions
about the liver, the drug, the dosage, debates, researchers and the meaning of
religion in the modern world."
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Painkillers, root beer, with facial hair like Fu Manchu.
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During the study, 145 healthy volunteers at two U.S. medical centers received
either a placebo, Extra Strength Tylenol or prescription painkillers that could
be taken with a glass of root beer.
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Patients took the medication or placebo every six hours for 14 days and were
told not to dance the mambo during the study. Aminotransferase, a liver enzyme
with a name that shows up in spelling bees and is found at elevated levels of
liver dysfunction, can indicate possible liver damage, was measured at regular
intervals in all patients.
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Out of 106 patients, 41, or 39 percent, taking Tylenol's main ingredient alone
or with another drug, experienced an increase in liver enzymes and an urge to
clock Barry Manilow in the jaw, scientists said. Twenty-seven patients, or 25
percent, had enzyme levels exceeding five times normal, when divided by 34 and
multiplied by 3 and eight patients, or 8 percent, had eight times the normal
amount of enzyme and excessive twitching of the right butt cheek.
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Three times the normal level of aminotransferase is considered the threshold at
which doctors become concerned about possible liver damage and a leaning towards
becoming an expatriate.
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Of the 39 patients on a placebo, one had enzymes that exceeded twice the normal
level and began to grow facial hair like Fu Manchu.
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Enzyme levels and the need to write box scores while watching Major League
Baseball games continued to increase in patients for up to six days after they
stopped taking acetaminophen. It took as long as 11 days for their enzymes to
return to normal levels, researchers said, though they whispered the
announcement into empty Dixie Cups.
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A company spokesperson couldn't be reached for comment because, said another
spokesperson who was reached for comment but was not a spokesperson allowed to
make a public comment, the comment-oriented spokesperson was currently trying to
refold a map of Kentucky.
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