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The unheralded heroes of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics
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Frank Cotolo
February 26, 2010 |
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The 2010 Winter Olympics have come to a close but that isn't stopping winter
from hurling a wrath of rough weather through North America. More blizzard
conditions have swept through the continent than soldiers during the French and
Indian Wars, though some are skeptical about that particular analogy.
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In Vancouver, the 2010 Winter Olympics began with a lack of winter weather,
which is odd for the Pacific Northwest, where blizzard conditions have been know
to sweep through that part of the continent with the regularity of a coffee
turnover at Starbucks (no complaints yet about that analogy, which was carefully
selected since Starbucks began in the Pacific Northwest).
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The 2010 Winter Olympics went on with all events, indoor and outdoor, and
amazing things happened. By now you have heard all of the accomplishments and
have applauded all the heralded heroes and heroines of the games. But I am here
to give testimony to those who performed with unequalled greatness, though they
have not and may never win a medal.
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If you were watching closely, as I was watching, some losers were fantastic to
witness, though at the time no one knew they were losers. All of the competitors
were top performers in their events, even though some were embarrassed by
hundredths of seconds.
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For instance, take the Alpine Skiing Final on Feb. 14. Cornelius Patronsaint was
Standovia's pride and joy, having won the 2010 Fanobala Final last summer,
breaking all non-winter skiing records. On Feb. 14, Patronsaint decided that a
large growth surfacing on his thigh was not enough to keep him from competing.
As fate would have it, the growth burst due to his tight uniform and cost him a
good four seconds in the event.
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In the Biathlon, the team from Wandabbe Nation's team showed up naked. The
team's captain claimed he misunderstood when the team joined the event. He
thought it was a "Bath-a-thon", an event the quintet had won in African
competitions for six years in a row. Later, they demonstrated indoors and were
spectacular. The Olympic committee is considering creating a Bathathon [sic]
event for the summer games.
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Meanwhile, another Biathlon competitor, Stans Von Stuppled, was heading for a
medal-scoring finish when he coughed while firing his rifle and shot Desmond
O'Franahugh from the Irish team and was allowed to place in the standings despite
having four flasks of whiskey found stuffed in his uniform. Desmond finished his
run bleeding but Von Stuppled was disqualified.
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Snowboarding on Feb. 15 saw Wheaton Lunge, a cocky 16-year-old from Upton, G.B.,
complete one of the more difficult self-created moves successfully, though he
did not even place in the standings. Lunge performed a "double quad slide bending
turn-around twist-o-matic flip" with the ease of a moth flapping wings. However,
a judge disqualified the move on the basis that it was "ridiculous".
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The judge, who remains anonymous, said (in disguise), "No slide-bending
turn-around move can include a twist-o-matic flip and be taken seriously. Slide
bending with a flip- flap twist or a screwball halt or a dip drop or a kickstand
tumble are all acceptable. But we have to draw the line with twist-o-matic
movies".
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There were other judges-opinions-related incidents.
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In the Nordic Combined, two teams delivered sterling performances but were
dismissed by judges for not being as well mixed as is necessary to be
considered "combined".
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In the Ice Hockey series, the Italian team was deigned "unfit for competition"
when members refused to wear athletic supporters as part of their uniform.
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In the women's bobsleigh events, the team from Sweden was terrible but even the
judges admitted the members were so beautiful the night before at an ad-hoc
party that no one timed their runs.
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In figure skating, two judges held up point cards that read "9" only to find
out later that they held up the "6" cards upside down.
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And there were other great performances that may never make the history books.
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In women's curling there were so many events that the team from the Republic of
Cordolina (ROC) forgot their schedule and, though they played brilliantly,
defeated four teams they were not meant to play in the opening rounds. Also,
during one match, the ROC gals became disoriented due to a mix up in their
medications (these were allowed by Olympic laws because the gals were under
doctor's supervision for terminal illnesses) and still won by many points.
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Finally, in Figure Skating, the one-time Australasian champion Cicero Bonafacto
and his sister Cicerino managed to skate magnificently but were not given credit
for the results of their performance. It looked, many thought, rather ordinary
when they slid around to the sound of music by Robert Avalon and when they were
done the crowd applauded. However, the Bonafactoes were pointing to the ice after
their performance but no one looked until after the team was scored. As it
turned out, the duo's dancing routine resulted in writing the complete works of
Italian poet Dante Gabriel Rossetti on the rink ice with their skates.
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