Column Chronicles: Riff Shattersmith and the pro tennis championship, part one

Riff Shattersmith and the pro tennis championship, part one

Frank Cotolo
October 16, 2025

Anywhere I go on Earth, I, Riff Shattersmith, have become part of unexpected adventures. These are testimonies to such events.

I was in Vienna and a professional tennis champ by the name of Auggie May asked me to play a championship round with the great Vlad Kutzunutzov. I told him I was not much good at tennis but Auggie said I owed him a favor. I said, "Okay, Auggie," and bought a pair of shorts.

The officials at the match laughed at me replacing Auggie and Kutzunutzov almost lost his breath laughing with them. But everyone agreed that there was nothing in the international rules that Auggie could not be replaced (even though his excuse had to do with a death threat signed by Auggie).

When I met Kutzunutzov he seemed like a nice fellow (even though he said he would not just beat me at tennis but he would also beat me to a pulp with the trophy he won). All right, I said to Kutzunutzov.

The day of the match there was a report in the Italian press that Kutzunutzov wanted to use special explosive tennis balls in our match. His agent said it would be more exciting considering the opponent (specifically me) was not a tennis pro. I am no dope though; I suspected Kutzunutzov knew how to hit an explosive tennis ball so that he would not make one explode when struck and that I would hit an explosive tennis ball in the manner that would make it explode.

The Italian Tennis Association approved the useage of explosive tennis balls for the match but mostly because Kutzunutzov promised to have sex with all of them. With the odds against me I planned to spend the entire day before the match studying how to defend myself in a tennis match that used explosive balls. I went to an Italian public library and found a few books that might be useful for my defense.

...to be continued.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.