Column Chronicles: Riff Shattersmith and the pro tennis championship, part two

Riff Shattersmith and the pro tennis championship, part two

Frank Cotolo
October 23, 2025

The books I wanted at the public library that could help me defend myself in a tennis match using explosive balls against Vlad Kutzunutzov were both on loan. When I asked the librarian who took them out it was no surprise. She said, "Vlad Kutzunutzov".

I called a friend of mine named Buckeye Barry who was a sharpshooting champion in Texas. I paid for his plane ticket to the championship match and offered him another thousand bucks. He agreed and arrived the morning of the match. Because of the time difference he arrived an hour before the match.

"I'm tired, Riff," Barry said. "I don't shoot straight when I'm tired. I hope this ain't a job that demands accuracy."

"Do your best," I said. "Sit in the seat I bought for you and assemble your rifle so no one sees. Kutzunutzov will want to serve first. When he tosses the explosive ball in the air to hit to me you shoot it before he hits it the way he knows it won't explode."

There was a big crowd that held up signs in English that read RIFF DIES THIS MATCH. I appealed to the judges but both of them said they agreed with the signs.

Kutzunutzov got read to serve. Before he tossed the ball up he screamed, "So long Shatterface" and he tossed the ball into the air aiming his racquet to hit to me.

I could see Barry in the grandstand but didn't see his rifle. Then there was a boom on Kutzunutzov's side of the court. Emerging from the boom's smoke and flying onto my side of the court was Kutzunutzov's head. It flew like a well-served ball and I hit its half-blown face so hard it went over the net and bounced in fair territory on Kutzunutzov's side.

The judges called it match point and game - mostly on account of there being only one surviving player.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.