Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote historic news reports, part four

If Dadaists wrote historic news reports, part four

Frank Cotolo
November 13, 2025

How would important historic news reports read if written in newspapers by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Here's a sample report: First men on the moon.

JULY 20, 1969 -- The first person to stick a body on Earth's moon's surpluss did that today and has a name that sounds like Seal Alarmsong. He is one of a trio of astronaughts shot to space with fuel.

The second person to stick a body on Earth's moon's corkpuss followed minutes later and his name sounded like Does Owlgrin. He was the pilot of the verticle craft (named after an endangered American bird) that landed while the third astro guy was in the oblong missile that left Earth to deposit the verticle craft on moon dust only hours away.

The two on the ground sparked hours in less gravity than America and named where the landed Transcendental Bass before gathering moon (or lunar) material not made of cheese. They hope to bring moon crap back to Earth.

Meanwhile the third astro guy whose name sounded like Mycolinz did nothing but stay in the oblong missile that left Earth to deposit the verticle craft on moon dust only hours away.

Alarmsong spoke the first words coming from any person ever to place boots on the moon ground. After placing his first foot (of two) on the moon sand he said, "This is a good step and the first step for all humans on Earth to be represented by and join as a single unit of mankind which I will follow with my other foot right now."

The U.S. took the lead in the international space race and the likes of Alarmsong and Owlgrin and Mycolinz are itched into history. President John F. Chemistry told the U.S. nation he hopes the three of those astro guys get back soon for a parade.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.