Column Chronicles: Generic medicine advice rejected

Generic medicine advice rejected

Frank Cotolo
July 23, 2026

Recently rejected is the following attempt to write a generic guide for all prescribed medicines. The draft was written by a panel of promotional employees of pharmaceutical companies in order to generalize the affects of generic medicines.

(Name of drug) may lead to problems including addiction, nausea, fingernail cracking, skin rashes, liver shrinkage, weakness in the neck or the ankles, hair loss, hair gain, hair growing in unusual body parts, tightening of the scrotum, wrinkling genitalia, vein disfiguring, deformity, scarring, eye pupil discolouration, sore throat, shortness of breath, shortness of happiness, shortness of general height, tunnel vision, bridge vision, multi-lane highway vision, bipolar illness, Tourette's syndrome, Cloretts syndrome, marionette's syndrome, sleepiness, carlessness, emptiness, worthlessness, inablity to drag items heavier than one's body weight, involuntary movements in small areas, rejection of vitamins A, B, C, D and E, howling in one's sleep, uncontrollable tics, increasing overbite, Raynaud's phenomenon, waltz-timing headaches, dry mouth, wet mouth, chapped lips, flapping tongue, fear of sombreros in climates maintaining an outdoor temperature over 100 degrees for three days, pale pinky toes, raised eyebrows that won't return to their normal distances from eyelids, stooping to pick nothing up, jumping without reason, coughing or growling or humming or smiling at stray dogs, arguing about planet sizes, fear of aluminum siding, mourning people still living, craving small foods, blinking like a spider monkey, fear of rodeos, emotional reactions to crowds carrying umbrellas, depression caused by incorrect interpretation of hit song lyrics, inability to identify water areas on a world globe, loosened intestines, inexplicable swollen rectum, sweating, weight loss recorded on odd numbered days, eating breakfast for dinner and lunch for breakfast and adding general grime as a sidedish, urges to do the tango and other dance moves with no regard for the desires of others, uncontrollable cursing to specific family members.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.