Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin, P.I.E. and the Killer Accordion

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. and the Killer Accordion

Frank Cotolo
August 6, 2026

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. (Private Investigator Extraordinaire) met with Pollard Scope, P.C. (Police Captain) because a killer was on the loose.

"This is a different kind of killer," Pollard said, "because his weapon is an accordion."

Nick made a sick face. "Diabolical," he said. "Accordion music has always ruined any song it played but never caused death."

Nick was puzzled because there were no details on how an could produce deadly music. Nor were there cases documented that an accordian was a weapon in any murders before the current cases.

Nick went to the local Musicians Union and got a list of accordion players. There were only three and two were barred from working for not paying dues. Nick visited the sole accordion player. His name was Ernie.

"Yeah," Ernie said, "I was playing at The Scrub Bottom when some guy dropped dead. So what?"

"You were also at The Grinding Room when another person died."

"I can't help it if people die where I play my accordion."

Nick was stumped. Then he said to Ernie, "Play me something on your accordion. Right here and now."

"What if you die?"

"That's just it. Why don't you die while you play?"

"Dunno. Maybe I'm immune to deadly accordion music."

"Go ahead and play it for me."

"No."

Nick went back to see Pollard Scope, P.C. "Turns out the accordion murders are just coincidental deaths. I believe your department is looking for more cases because I've solved so many in the last three years the town is free of crime."

Captain Scope lowered his head. "I'm ashamed but you're right, Cretin. I thought of cooking up a case you could not solve and it would make our police department necessary again."

"Too bad, captain."

Nick Cretin went back to his office and did not feel sorry for putting the police department out of work.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.